Friday, September 23, 2011

PPD Part 2

You can read PPD Part 1 here. It was getting terribly long, and I decided to break it into two sections.

Here is part 2.

So I finally decided to see my doctor. And I was terribly embarrassed. And of course I cried and cried there. And I was so embarrassed to be crying in front of not only the guy who delivered my baby and saw me at nearly every single doctors appointment but also in front of the nurse that I saw at nearly every week as well. And I know that PPD happens, but I couldn't believe that this was now me.

Thankfully, my doctor was wonderful. He felt that this really would go away. He explained things to me in a way that made me feel like I wouldn't always be this way. I would get better. I would be myself again. He prescribed a medicine to me, and I was so excited to be on my way to myself again. At the same time, I was terribly scared. I was starting a brand new job in less than 5 days, my mom was coming in to town, and I felt like I couldn't fake my way thru this.

I took my pills as prescribed with the highest of hopes. And let me tell you I was sorely disappointed. I had every single side effect that you could get from this medicine. But at the time, I didn't even think about side effects. Most of these side effects are also the same signs as early pregnancy. And I was freaking out. Here I have a nearly 10 week old baby and I could have another on the way. I can not even begin to tell you how scared I was. On top of being scared I was terribly sick. I could hardly move off the couch. And finally it dawns on me - side effects. So here I am googling my medicine, and what do I find? I have every. single. side effect. From nausea to blurry vision. Lovely.

*side note - Thank God for my mom. I could not have taken care of H like this. I was sicker than a dog. And thankfully she was there in time to take care of the both of us.

I call my doctor who tells me to stop taking it immediately (duh!) and he says to wait until Monday for the meds to be totally out of my system before starting me on something new. And he prescribes me the "kiddie" version to hopefully keep these side effects away.

(Here is a little time line for you: I had my original appointment on Tuesday, started taking the pills Wednesday morning, stopped taking the pills on Thursday and was sick through Sunday.)

I was a mess. I start my new job on Monday. How on earth am I going to make it when I feel like I have the worst flu ever (among other things). I prayed and prayed that I would be healed enough for work. I was scared to death to take anything else because there was no way I could try and work while feeling this way.

And to be perfectly honest, I am not sure why or how my life worked out this way, but one day on my new job and I was back to my old self. No medicine, no supplements, just some honest to goodness conversations outside the house. I remember walking back into my house after my first day of work with a smile on my face excitedly announcing to J that it was me again. I was happy! For the first time in weeks!

And then I felt a little guilty. How could I have hated being at home so much? How could I have enjoyed leaving my baby boy with someone else?

I don't have any answers for any of those questions. I do know that I have one of the best day care providers that I could have asked for. She loves him, which was exactly what I was looking for. I love being outside my home. I still don't have that great of friends here, but being around people all day long make up for the friendships I am missing. I truly am enjoying my son so much more that I thought I could. I love being a mom. I would not change my life for anything, and I am so happy to have H in my life. I couldn't imagine life with out him.

Like I said earlier, I am not really sure why I felt the need to share this. All I can hope is that someone can relate to this. Life is not always what we plan for it to be. It is not always rainbows and unicorns. But if we don't learn from the hard times, they were for nothing.


P. S. I am not quite sure how this fits in to my story, but PPD took a toll on my marriage. I wasn't fun to be around. I was upset all the time over every thing. And I am so thankful that I have a husband who loved me thru it. In so many ways I would be lost with out him. And I know how hard this was for him to see me not be my self. How hard it was for him to take care of the both of us. And how stressful life was between work, a crazy wife, and a crying baby. He truly is the most special man in the world to me. It wasn't (and isn't) always easy. But it's always worth it.


Amanda said...

Proud of you for talking about this friend! I know this was a hard time for you! GLAD you are you again =)

L said...

Thanks! I am glad to be me too =)