Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Looking Forward

For me, it's so hard to look back and see where I was. Especially in the written word. When I look back on my blog, I see things that I am not sure why I posted. Why I thought it would be something I wanted to talk about. When I look in my personal journal, I see things that make me wonder how I could be so consumed with something so...small. So unimportant. But I felt it so large at the time I wrote about it. I fight the urge to delete all my previous posts. To just go forward. But the past is part of who I am. I had to get here somehow.

For me, it's easier to look forward. To see where I am now and how I want to be in the future. To see the future with optimism and of great things to come. You don't normally look to the future to see the bad, but to see the good. To see the light at the end of deployment. To see the happiness you will find again after losing a loved one. Knowing that the future is bright and full of promise.

And sometimes - it's hard to live in the now. When you kids are little and messy and crying. It's hard to see the beauty in that. When you yell and make mistakes as a parent. When you fess up to your kids that you made a mistake and you are sorry. To take a deep breath and realize that in this moment, even though it feels hard and like no one (IE your toddlers) are listening, that it will be okay. You will all make it to the next happy moment that is just around the corner.

This life that I am living right now - it is messy. It is hard. It is conflicting. But it is full of love and laughter and beautiful moment. So even when I have to ask forgiveness of my tiny people, I am learning to be a better mother. And I look to the future where I am a better version of myself for the work I am doing now.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Home is where the Navy sends you...

When Josh started picking picking orders, I imagined beautiful sunny places. I mean, it's the Navy. Nearly every base is near water. How awesome is that? Where we are now, is definitely on water. And it's an island and all...but it sure isn't warm! And then the time came, and the choices looked awesome. Hawaii, Italy, Point Mugu, San Diego. Warm. Beautiful. Beachy. And then... womp womp. China Lake. Definitely not on the list. And definitely one of those places that people cringe when you say you are moving there. And give you sad eyes. And I will be the first to say, I wasn't excited. I'm still not all that excited. But, I believe that God places you where you should be. And apparently we need to be in the desert. And I am so happy that Josh will be doing a job that he wants to be doing and will translate outside of the military, should we choose to get out at some point.

So. There it is. Hot, dusty, middle of nowhere. And there we will find our place. Put down our roots and make it our home. For as long as we are there.


Friday, January 16, 2015

Why now?

It's been a long long time since I've blogged. Two years in fact. Why am I back? Well, I don't really have an answer for that other than I have a bit more time, not a lot of adult interaction, and a spot to just put my thoughts out there. There is really no rhyme or reason, but here I am.

It's been two years, a baby, and a deployment since I've blogged. I am a little sad (ok a lot sad) I didn't blog about my pregnancy with Harper. Oh how I love being pregnant. And after having her, I think I might want a soccer team of babies. Which is quite odd, because she's a bit high needs. But now I have a preschooler and a toddler. My life is chaos. Beautiful mess. At least that's what I tell myself. I might come back and document some of the things I remember like her birth story, but then again I might not.

So now I am a mom of two, Navy wife of 5 years with too many workups and 1 deployment under my belt, regular wife of almost 7 years, full time stay and home mom/full time student. I thought my life was busy when I worked outside the home, now my life is still busy. But I think that is inevitable in everyones life. You're busy with the things that are important to you. Can I reflect for a moment on how young and dumb I was? Go to school 20 year old self! While you are young, and free and smart! Don't wait until you are old (if you can call 28 old) and dumb (since you've been out of school for 10 years) and busy! Your older self will thank you.

Thursday, January 15, 2015

One Word 2015

I hate New Year's resolutions. For me, they never work. By February, they are a passing thought and by March I have no idea what I resolved in the first place. All that said, I love one word. Last year my word was bloom. Shortly before the new year I saw something on Pintrest, "Bloom where you are planted." That really struck me. My husband has been in the Navy for almost 4 years, we have lived away from our home for over 3 years, am I really setting down roots? Am I really making friends? Am I really happy with where I'm at? That answer was no. So I set out to bloom, right where I am planted. And I did at first, and then like most resolutions I forgot a little. But by the end of spring, I was reaching out to people, I was making friends, I was enjoying our rainy little home more than I had in years. So from this, I think that one word works for me. And I know that putting it up where I see it on a daily or weekly basis makes it stick.

My word for 2015 is heart. I want to be the heart of my home. Where my heart is, my treasures are as well. I have spent far too much time and energy worrying about my little life not being perfect. I have spent too much time with my head in my phone to really capture the moments with my family. I have spent too much time wanting to get closer to God and not really doing it. So for 2015, where my heart is, my treasure is as well. I've deleted Facebook and Instagram off my phone and I am happier than I have been in a long time. It's silly to get caught up in everyone else's highlight reel, but there I was. And while I know I will be back, this break has helped me gain my confidence back. I am a good mom. I am a good wife, I am a good friend. I've got this! It's not perfect, but it's my perfect mess.