Thursday, September 22, 2011

PPD Part 1

I am not really sure where to start here.

I guess, first off I never thought in a million years that I would be any sort of depressed after I had my baby. I expected the normal baby blues, but I didn't expect to not feel like myself. My pregnancy went perfectly. I could not have asked for anything better. Labor, not exactly what I had hoped for, but all things considered, it could have been worse!

And then we go home with our sweet baby boy. Whom I adore. And everything started off normal. I wasn't really sure what to expect. My life had completely turned upside down. I think I had the normal  baby blues, and then it just never got better. In fact, it got worse.

I feel like at about 3 weeks things just started to go down hill. And I am not real sure exactly what happened. I think that a lot of it had to do with issues breast feeding. And maybe some of it had to do with a lack of support that I would have had if we were home.

I rarely left the house, I had a screaming baby, milk coming out of my ears, none of my "friends" came to visit. Basically the only people I saw on my maternity leave was family and a few close friends who came up to visit. And I lived for these visits.

 It seemed like suddenly my life was just spiraling. I couldn't wait for J to get home so I could have a break from the baby. I couldn't nap during the day, I was exhausted. I felt deprived from my old life where everything was easy. And I felt like I had no one to turn to. I didn't feel comfortable enough with anyone (family or friend) to REALLY share how I was feeling. To share that I really didn't love this new life I had.

And then there was the pressure that i felt (or rather probably imagined) that I should be enjoying my baby just as much as my friends with their new babies. And I just didn't. I was struggling. In so many ways.

I just wasn't myself. And I couldn't admit it. I thought that I could just shake it off, so to speak. It took me nearly 9 weeks to admit that something was wrong. I was crying every day. Every time H would eat, he would scream and I would cry. I was a mess. And H was a ball of stress right along with me. And unfortunately I had to hit rock bottom to decide that this was not right and I needed to get help.

*Rock Bottom* J and I were driving back from home and I cried for 4 hours straight. What I was feeling was a combination of sadness to be away from family/friends and so many issues feeding my sweet baby boy. And I finally came face to face with the fact that this just wasn't right. I did not cry for hours on end. And switching my baby from breast to formula should not be the end of the world. I was blowing things out of proportion. And I couldn't help myself.

To be continued...

I am not really sure why I am sharing this. Maybe to get some of this off my chest, maybe to just share with that one person out there that could be reading this to know that it is all okay and you are normal. That this happens to people when they least expect it. That you are not alone, and that while my situation may not be the same as yours, I have been there. And it does get better.


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