Oh bother...

Hello real Navy life, here you are walking back into my life,  and I can't say that I am terribly happy about it. But this is what we signed up for.

J is heading out on his first work up soon. He will be gone for about a month. And this could have come at a better time. Seriously. I was super excited about having an extra pay check this month and now with having to buy a plane ticket, then switch plane ticket (twice at $150 a pop) plus buying anything that is needed for our rental house, plus everything that J needs or "needs" to go on the boat we have more than spent the "extra" money. Fabulous. Oh and then there is the cable that we "had to have" with the NFL Red Zone that was necessary. I am pretty sure we are hemorrhaging money. Freaking fabulous.

Ugh. I am ready to just pay for it and get it over with at this point. Nothing I can do now.

Let's do this!
Love,
L

P.S. As much as I really didn't want to go back to having digital cable, it has been kind of nice. TV Shows on demand and lots of channels. And I know there are things that J needs to have while he is away, and also things that will be really nice for him to have. I'm just ticked that everything was not budgeted for and WAY more expensive than anticipated. Bleck.

Well Hello Monday

Yes, I do realize that Monday is almost over. But here I am still in the midst of it all.

H had his first meal tonight! I thought we would wait until he was officially 6 months, but he showed an interest today and we jumped on it. I think most of it ended up on his chin (and in his neck folds) and belly, but he was getting the hang of it.
      {we did 2Tbs oatmeal cereal and 4Tbs formula. I think next time I will make it thicker.}
J had some strange new today that I can't really talk about but will be sure to fill you in if anything comes of it.
Have I complained enough about how much I hate having a mortgage? Life would be easier in some ways with out it. Sigh. Oh well.
Work is a little nuts. My only friend from work is leaving at the end of the week. Sad to see her go. I'm gonna be bored. Who am I going to talk to? Customers? Oh. Yeah. That's what I'm paid to do.

No running for this little lady. But we are eating healthier, so I'll count that as a win.

That's all. Life just keeps going.

Love,
L

Grocery Shopping Week 2

So this week's total was $39.75. I can't believe I came in under $40. This should be enough to get us through the week. We have several soups planned and those go a loooong way so that will help. Here is what we bought:

splenda
campbell's soups (5) for lunches
stewed tomato's (1)
V8
1/2 & 1/2
milk
frozen corn
frozen green beans
lean pockets (1)
ground turkey (1)
italian sausage
hearts of romain
green onions
garlic
5# bag of potatoes
parsley
salad
coleslaw mix
chicken stock

And this is what we will be making:
Loaded Baked Potato Soup (thank you Kait!)
Spicy Italian Sausage
Beef and Veggi Soup
Chicken and salad
Lettuce Cups

For lunches, it will be mainly leftovers with the lean pockets and canned soups just in case.

Again, I have a lot of pantry staples that fill in for the things that I didn't shop for like pasta, onions (from last week), chicken, teriyaki sauce and what not. And I can not make a meal for just two people (especially the soups and lettuce cups!) So I have enough for lunches and leftovers. And should I have lots of leftovers of the lettuce cups, I will be making frittata's with those (that is my favorite thing to do with leftover lettuce cups). We are stocked up on eggo's and cereal so breakfasts are good to go.

What are you eating this week? I am always up for new inexpensive recipes!

Love,
L

Friendships

I feel like I cannot be the only one who feels this way. Friendships were so "easy" in high school. Yes there was the crazy drama stuff that I am forgetting about now, but seeing my friends every day, going to class with the same people made it so easy to not only make friends, but keep those friendships going.

Since high school, my best of best friends moved 4.5 hours from home (5 hours from where I am now), I have moved to a town where I knew basically no one except for the people that my hubs met at work. I have met people at work, but no one that I really click with.

I miss my besties. I feel like we are so far apart in more than just distance. The three of us have very busy lives. It's easy to get caught up in life and just let these friendships go by the wayside. I miss girl time. I love my husband and I love my babe, but I NEED something else. I keep waiting to meet this new friend, and so far no dice.

One day.

Anyone feel this way? Or is it just me?

Love,
L

PPD Part 2

You can read PPD Part 1 here. It was getting terribly long, and I decided to break it into two sections.

Here is part 2.

So I finally decided to see my doctor. And I was terribly embarrassed. And of course I cried and cried there. And I was so embarrassed to be crying in front of not only the guy who delivered my baby and saw me at nearly every single doctors appointment but also in front of the nurse that I saw at nearly every week as well. And I know that PPD happens, but I couldn't believe that this was now me.

Thankfully, my doctor was wonderful. He felt that this really would go away. He explained things to me in a way that made me feel like I wouldn't always be this way. I would get better. I would be myself again. He prescribed a medicine to me, and I was so excited to be on my way to myself again. At the same time, I was terribly scared. I was starting a brand new job in less than 5 days, my mom was coming in to town, and I felt like I couldn't fake my way thru this.

I took my pills as prescribed with the highest of hopes. And let me tell you I was sorely disappointed. I had every single side effect that you could get from this medicine. But at the time, I didn't even think about side effects. Most of these side effects are also the same signs as early pregnancy. And I was freaking out. Here I have a nearly 10 week old baby and I could have another on the way. I can not even begin to tell you how scared I was. On top of being scared I was terribly sick. I could hardly move off the couch. And finally it dawns on me - side effects. So here I am googling my medicine, and what do I find? I have every. single. side effect. From nausea to blurry vision. Lovely.

*side note - Thank God for my mom. I could not have taken care of H like this. I was sicker than a dog. And thankfully she was there in time to take care of the both of us.

I call my doctor who tells me to stop taking it immediately (duh!) and he says to wait until Monday for the meds to be totally out of my system before starting me on something new. And he prescribes me the "kiddie" version to hopefully keep these side effects away.

(Here is a little time line for you: I had my original appointment on Tuesday, started taking the pills Wednesday morning, stopped taking the pills on Thursday and was sick through Sunday.)

I was a mess. I start my new job on Monday. How on earth am I going to make it when I feel like I have the worst flu ever (among other things). I prayed and prayed that I would be healed enough for work. I was scared to death to take anything else because there was no way I could try and work while feeling this way.

And to be perfectly honest, I am not sure why or how my life worked out this way, but one day on my new job and I was back to my old self. No medicine, no supplements, just some honest to goodness conversations outside the house. I remember walking back into my house after my first day of work with a smile on my face excitedly announcing to J that it was me again. I was happy! For the first time in weeks!

And then I felt a little guilty. How could I have hated being at home so much? How could I have enjoyed leaving my baby boy with someone else?

I don't have any answers for any of those questions. I do know that I have one of the best day care providers that I could have asked for. She loves him, which was exactly what I was looking for. I love being outside my home. I still don't have that great of friends here, but being around people all day long make up for the friendships I am missing. I truly am enjoying my son so much more that I thought I could. I love being a mom. I would not change my life for anything, and I am so happy to have H in my life. I couldn't imagine life with out him.

Like I said earlier, I am not really sure why I felt the need to share this. All I can hope is that someone can relate to this. Life is not always what we plan for it to be. It is not always rainbows and unicorns. But if we don't learn from the hard times, they were for nothing.

Love,
L

P. S. I am not quite sure how this fits in to my story, but PPD took a toll on my marriage. I wasn't fun to be around. I was upset all the time over every thing. And I am so thankful that I have a husband who loved me thru it. In so many ways I would be lost with out him. And I know how hard this was for him to see me not be my self. How hard it was for him to take care of the both of us. And how stressful life was between work, a crazy wife, and a crying baby. He truly is the most special man in the world to me. It wasn't (and isn't) always easy. But it's always worth it.

PPD Part 1

I am not really sure where to start here.

I guess, first off I never thought in a million years that I would be any sort of depressed after I had my baby. I expected the normal baby blues, but I didn't expect to not feel like myself. My pregnancy went perfectly. I could not have asked for anything better. Labor, not exactly what I had hoped for, but all things considered, it could have been worse!

And then we go home with our sweet baby boy. Whom I adore. And everything started off normal. I wasn't really sure what to expect. My life had completely turned upside down. I think I had the normal  baby blues, and then it just never got better. In fact, it got worse.

I feel like at about 3 weeks things just started to go down hill. And I am not real sure exactly what happened. I think that a lot of it had to do with issues breast feeding. And maybe some of it had to do with a lack of support that I would have had if we were home.

I rarely left the house, I had a screaming baby, milk coming out of my ears, none of my "friends" came to visit. Basically the only people I saw on my maternity leave was family and a few close friends who came up to visit. And I lived for these visits.

 It seemed like suddenly my life was just spiraling. I couldn't wait for J to get home so I could have a break from the baby. I couldn't nap during the day, I was exhausted. I felt deprived from my old life where everything was easy. And I felt like I had no one to turn to. I didn't feel comfortable enough with anyone (family or friend) to REALLY share how I was feeling. To share that I really didn't love this new life I had.

And then there was the pressure that i felt (or rather probably imagined) that I should be enjoying my baby just as much as my friends with their new babies. And I just didn't. I was struggling. In so many ways.

I just wasn't myself. And I couldn't admit it. I thought that I could just shake it off, so to speak. It took me nearly 9 weeks to admit that something was wrong. I was crying every day. Every time H would eat, he would scream and I would cry. I was a mess. And H was a ball of stress right along with me. And unfortunately I had to hit rock bottom to decide that this was not right and I needed to get help.

*Rock Bottom* J and I were driving back from home and I cried for 4 hours straight. What I was feeling was a combination of sadness to be away from family/friends and so many issues feeding my sweet baby boy. And I finally came face to face with the fact that this just wasn't right. I did not cry for hours on end. And switching my baby from breast to formula should not be the end of the world. I was blowing things out of proportion. And I couldn't help myself.

To be continued...

I am not really sure why I am sharing this. Maybe to get some of this off my chest, maybe to just share with that one person out there that could be reading this to know that it is all okay and you are normal. That this happens to people when they least expect it. That you are not alone, and that while my situation may not be the same as yours, I have been there. And it does get better.

Love,
L

Well, that was a joke!

There are a lot of benefits to being a Navy spouse. And one thing that has been mentioned to me several times was New Parent Support. And I finally gave in and set up an appointment with new parent support.

Today was our appointment and I've got to be honest. I am not sure why she was here. All she really did was listed to us talk about H and how awesome he is. I did not learn anything new (like I thought I would), I did not learn anything about what we could be doing differently to help him developmentally (like I thought we would), and we pretty much just sat around and chatted. And don't get me wrong, that was nice and all. But it was not what I was expecting or wanting to get out of our visit.

I am not sure if I will be seeing her again...I have another appointment in a month. I could see this being nice if J was on deployment and I didn't get out of the house very often, but that is not the case.

We will see...

Love,
L