For me, it's so hard to look back and see where I was. Especially in the written word. When I look back on my blog, I see things that I am not sure why I posted. Why I thought it would be something I wanted to talk about. When I look in my personal journal, I see things that make me wonder how I could be so consumed with something so...small. So unimportant. But I felt it so large at the time I wrote about it. I fight the urge to delete all my previous posts. To just go forward. But the past is part of who I am. I had to get here somehow.
For me, it's easier to look forward. To see where I am now and how I want to be in the future. To see the future with optimism and of great things to come. You don't normally look to the future to see the bad, but to see the good. To see the light at the end of deployment. To see the happiness you will find again after losing a loved one. Knowing that the future is bright and full of promise.
And sometimes - it's hard to live in the now. When you kids are little and messy and crying. It's hard to see the beauty in that. When you yell and make mistakes as a parent. When you fess up to your kids that you made a mistake and you are sorry. To take a deep breath and realize that in this moment, even though it feels hard and like no one (IE your toddlers) are listening, that it will be okay. You will all make it to the next happy moment that is just around the corner.
This life that I am living right now - it is messy. It is hard. It is conflicting. But it is full of love and laughter and beautiful moment. So even when I have to ask forgiveness of my tiny people, I am learning to be a better mother. And I look to the future where I am a better version of myself for the work I am doing now.
