Looking Forward

For me, it's so hard to look back and see where I was. Especially in the written word. When I look back on my blog, I see things that I am not sure why I posted. Why I thought it would be something I wanted to talk about. When I look in my personal journal, I see things that make me wonder how I could be so consumed with something so...small. So unimportant. But I felt it so large at the time I wrote about it. I fight the urge to delete all my previous posts. To just go forward. But the past is part of who I am. I had to get here somehow.

For me, it's easier to look forward. To see where I am now and how I want to be in the future. To see the future with optimism and of great things to come. You don't normally look to the future to see the bad, but to see the good. To see the light at the end of deployment. To see the happiness you will find again after losing a loved one. Knowing that the future is bright and full of promise.

And sometimes - it's hard to live in the now. When you kids are little and messy and crying. It's hard to see the beauty in that. When you yell and make mistakes as a parent. When you fess up to your kids that you made a mistake and you are sorry. To take a deep breath and realize that in this moment, even though it feels hard and like no one (IE your toddlers) are listening, that it will be okay. You will all make it to the next happy moment that is just around the corner.

This life that I am living right now - it is messy. It is hard. It is conflicting. But it is full of love and laughter and beautiful moment. So even when I have to ask forgiveness of my tiny people, I am learning to be a better mother. And I look to the future where I am a better version of myself for the work I am doing now.

Home is where the Navy sends you...

When Josh started picking picking orders, I imagined beautiful sunny places. I mean, it's the Navy. Nearly every base is near water. How awesome is that? Where we are now, is definitely on water. And it's an island and all...but it sure isn't warm! And then the time came, and the choices looked awesome. Hawaii, Italy, Point Mugu, San Diego. Warm. Beautiful. Beachy. And then... womp womp. China Lake. Definitely not on the list. And definitely one of those places that people cringe when you say you are moving there. And give you sad eyes. And I will be the first to say, I wasn't excited. I'm still not all that excited. But, I believe that God places you where you should be. And apparently we need to be in the desert. And I am so happy that Josh will be doing a job that he wants to be doing and will translate outside of the military, should we choose to get out at some point.

So. There it is. Hot, dusty, middle of nowhere. And there we will find our place. Put down our roots and make it our home. For as long as we are there.

Linz

Why now?

It's been a long long time since I've blogged. Two years in fact. Why am I back? Well, I don't really have an answer for that other than I have a bit more time, not a lot of adult interaction, and a spot to just put my thoughts out there. There is really no rhyme or reason, but here I am.

It's been two years, a baby, and a deployment since I've blogged. I am a little sad (ok a lot sad) I didn't blog about my pregnancy with Harper. Oh how I love being pregnant. And after having her, I think I might want a soccer team of babies. Which is quite odd, because she's a bit high needs. But now I have a preschooler and a toddler. My life is chaos. Beautiful mess. At least that's what I tell myself. I might come back and document some of the things I remember like her birth story, but then again I might not.

So now I am a mom of two, Navy wife of 5 years with too many workups and 1 deployment under my belt, regular wife of almost 7 years, full time stay and home mom/full time student. I thought my life was busy when I worked outside the home, now my life is still busy. But I think that is inevitable in everyones life. You're busy with the things that are important to you. Can I reflect for a moment on how young and dumb I was? Go to school 20 year old self! While you are young, and free and smart! Don't wait until you are old (if you can call 28 old) and dumb (since you've been out of school for 10 years) and busy! Your older self will thank you.

One Word 2015

I hate New Year's resolutions. For me, they never work. By February, they are a passing thought and by March I have no idea what I resolved in the first place. All that said, I love one word. Last year my word was bloom. Shortly before the new year I saw something on Pintrest, "Bloom where you are planted." That really struck me. My husband has been in the Navy for almost 4 years, we have lived away from our home for over 3 years, am I really setting down roots? Am I really making friends? Am I really happy with where I'm at? That answer was no. So I set out to bloom, right where I am planted. And I did at first, and then like most resolutions I forgot a little. But by the end of spring, I was reaching out to people, I was making friends, I was enjoying our rainy little home more than I had in years. So from this, I think that one word works for me. And I know that putting it up where I see it on a daily or weekly basis makes it stick.

My word for 2015 is heart. I want to be the heart of my home. Where my heart is, my treasures are as well. I have spent far too much time and energy worrying about my little life not being perfect. I have spent too much time with my head in my phone to really capture the moments with my family. I have spent too much time wanting to get closer to God and not really doing it. So for 2015, where my heart is, my treasure is as well. I've deleted Facebook and Instagram off my phone and I am happier than I have been in a long time. It's silly to get caught up in everyone else's highlight reel, but there I was. And while I know I will be back, this break has helped me gain my confidence back. I am a good mom. I am a good wife, I am a good friend. I've got this! It's not perfect, but it's my perfect mess.

L.

One Whole Year Later...

Who knew time could move so fast? I can't believe my little baby boy is now a toddler.

Over the last year we have

• Brought home a brand new baby boy
• placed you in your crib at just 10 days old - best decision we ever made but was SO HARD at the time.
• we battled colic and post partum depression - at the same time, RUDE!
• You got bigger, and started to enjoy life out of the womb a little more
• looking outside is the best view
• your favorite way to be held was the "grandma" hold. Nice and tight, with one arm pinned under mine while we rocked you side to side really fast. Always calmed a fussy boy.
• Shushing and swaddling were my our very best friends
• decided that your bottles were the best thing ever as well as paci's.
• became the easiest baby to make laugh, and boy do we ever love your belly laughs
• rolled over
• learned that EVERY thing should go in your mouth
• stopped staying the the place where we left you - again, RUDE!
• started chowing down on every thing we place in front of you, I don't think there is a food you don't eat.
• started army crawling and didn't stop - no hands and knees crawling here!
• learned to pull yourself up on to everything
• learned to pull yourself up to standing
• started creeping along furniture
• as soon as you realized that you could make noise out of your mouth you are Chatty-McChatterson.
• not only do you chat, you also make all sorts of clicking noises as well as imitate us
• you are so independent. You are more than willing to play by yourself, though you always love someone to play with. 
• cars, trucks, banging things together, and balls. You are a boy through and through. 
• sneezing is very funny and we will "sneeze" back and forth with both of us saying "achoo!"
• you are so SO ticklish. Feet, legs, hips, belly, armpits, collar bone, the back of your neck/head. And we LOVE to tickle you.

My little boy has grown leaps and bounds. He has outgrown his newborn look and is looking more and more like a little boy.

For the stats: 19 pounds, 29 inches long. Wearing size 9 month clothes and size 3 diapers. Drinking 16 ounces of formula and breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Formula is a "snack." You are also drinking water out of a straw cup whenever you want. Favorite foods are : grapes, eggs, tangerines, toast, meat, yogurt, and avocados.  

Why Hello.... It's Been Awhile...

Oh yes, I am still alive. It's been just over a month since I last blogged and so much has changed. My little Peanut is a year old, we had a few mini  birthday celebrations, a one year baby well visit, went thru one 4 week work up, and just started another workup.

First off, can I just say that work ups blow. I miss my husband. And it has me thinking how on earth I will make it through 10 months. I am eternally thankful the for the family that visited and the friends that make sure I don't hole up and become a hermit. However, every single friend that I hung out with is military. And they are all either deploying within a few months or getting out of the military entirely. Um... Hello? Don't you know you are supposed to stay here so I have company?And while right now I am having a mini freak out about J being gone for so long, I know that I will just do what I have to do. It will be what it will be and if worse comes to worse I can always pack up my little life and move home. Not that that is really a logical option, it's there if necessary.

Secondly, I can't believe my little peanut is a year old! I have a one year post in mind, a catch up of all that has happened over this last year. He is so dang cute and has changed so much, I can't even believe it! He is officially a toddler. And that scares me a little bit. He is getting too big too fast. Thankfully he is just a wee babe (19lbs!) so he still feels a bit small.

And finally, I am so glad that I am going back to work tomorrow. I hate sitting at home by myself. I get mopey and miss my favorite husband. The house seems to get so dirty and I don't really want to clean it, the puppies sleep all day when J first leaves, and really all I want to do is eat a giant amount of oreo cookies. However, I have a little man to take care of and a house to run so sulking the days away doesn't happen. Okay, so my house isn't as clean as normal, but other than that it is business as usual here. And I can't wait to go back to work tomorrow to get my mind off of being alone. To be honest, I love the military lifestyle, but this part? This I don't love.

Night night!

11 Months

Oh.My.Lanta... How on EARTH are you 11 months old? In less than 30 days you will be one year. ONE YEAR??? How did this happen?

My little man this last week has been HUGE for you. You are holding your hands out to be picked up, a 5th tooth sprouted in, you are saying Mama, Dada, and Baba (bottle) for the appropriate things, and most importantly you are sleeping through the night!

You poor bubba, you were sick for about a week. It was a nasty cold/virus that was seriously not fun and got the whole family. It was about 5 days of throw up and all sorts of other nastiness. I am thankful that most if it is over. It has been 3+days since you threw up on me. I am one happy mama!! The sickness really affected your eating habits and unfortunately you are still right about 19lbs which is where you were at your 9 month check up.

You are still so chatty. You talk to your food, to me, to others, to your toys, EVERYTHING. Most of it doesn't make sense, or I am still trying to figure out what you are talking about. You do say Mama for me, Dada for your daddy, Baba for you bottle (which is super fun at 4am when you are yelling BABA at the top of your lungs!), you also say Papa which is generally for papa Matty.

Since you have been sick you have surprisingly been napping super well, AND sleeping thru the night. The only exception to this is that you aren't taking a huge bottle before bed any more (only like an ounce or two) so at about 4 or 5am you wake up STARVING which cues you to yell BABA and MAMA at the top of your lungs until I make you a giant bottle. Then you will go back down for another hour or two. I am hoping that as you get better you will start drinking more before bed time.

Speaking of eating, you have about four 4-6ounce bottles a day. I know that you should be having less, but minus a morning bottle (which will be easy to break) the others are before nap time or bed time. You are eating solids for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Sometimes a snack in between. The hardest part of taking out bottles is that you do not like any sippy cups so getting you to take water is a beast. We have tried cups with flexi-straws, nuby no spill sippys, take and toss sippys, and two other kinds of sippy cups. Nothing goes. You love your bottle. I can say for certain that you will not be off a bottle at 12 months. And thats okay with me!

Lately you are having so much fun playing with toys while sitting up. You love your train with the blocks, stuffed animals, anything that makes noise and anything you can chew on. You have a wooden stacking toy that you loved to pull off the stick and then chew on the wooden blocks. You are also ALL over the place. Still army crawling all over the place (who said that only lasted a few weeks? You are going on MONTHS.) You army crawl so fast, you look like a little snake. You get up on all 4's all the time but no real crawling. You are starting to try and climb on the stairs (super fun) and you are in to everything. Up until this last week I could put you in your bouncer while I was getting ready. Not so much anymore. You almost rolled out of that thing! I can still get you to stay in your jump jump if I have to while I am making dinner, but it is almost out of commission as well. It bores you!

You are still chilling in mostly 9 month clothes. A few 6 month onesies fit if they are on the longer size. I have you in 12 month jackets because those are what we have for warm jackets and the fit but are on the large side. You are fully in 12month sleepers. You wear size 3 diapers and still fit in to the Kawaii pure and clean cloth diapers that I originally bought. You wear cloth *most* of the time at home. Not this last bit though! I would rather throw out diapers with your poo situation that  be washing it out. That is not my idea of a good time!

You are VERY into your paci these days. If I am holding it you will grab it out of my hand and stick it in your mouth. You also have about 3 or 4 pacis in bed with you that if you wake up in the middle of the night you will grab. They are probably your favorite thing. You can't nap or sleep with out one!

Well, you are waking up from your nap. I love you so much bubba!